I'm fine without you now can you disappear

"See the mirror in your eyes;

See the truth behind your lies

Your lies are haunting me

See the reason in your eyes

Giving answer to the why:

Your eyes are haunting me"

Today would have marked Year 5,

I'd be lying if I said I'm completely unscathed;

You were my anchor,

You kept me grounded,

But you weighed me down as well.

You blurred the lines and taught me grey

When I've always only seen the world as black and white

I wanted to see the good in everyone;

To believe that all Man were created equal
But you proved me wrong

I entered adulthood with you as a guide

But I thank God I still have a few years left to find and really be who I'm truly supposed to be

I thank God for his sovereignty

that he has opened my eyes

to the liar and materialistic hypocrite you and your family truly are

I will not be hypocritical and say that I am the better person

That I will walk away and leave this all behind me

Not before I have my vengeance

"Forget the peace inside,

You've given way to the Gods of Destruction full of desire"

Not only will i stand strong;

I will destroy you and all those you love

In a way that you will regret the very day you underestimated me

and thought you could do what you did without fear of humiliation

"I'm fine without you now

I don't need you here

I'm fine without you now

Can you disappear"

I do not regret what has happened 

For it has made me stronger, more determined, more certain

I know now what I want 

What cannot be compromised

What is important

But I am glad it has happened sooner rather than later 

That God's grace is so great that He can wipe the slate clean for me

For the nagging voice at the back of my mind

Telling me that something's amiss

For the strength to face it all

For the clarity to see the scum you truly are

without these rose tinted glasses

For the courage to stand up to you

And literally tell you to fuck off

To decide for myself that enough was enough

Today, I erase the celebration of us;

Today, I celebrate my freedom

"The empire, your parents, the Resistance, the Sith, the Jedi... let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. That's the only way to become what you are meant to be"

Dedicated to Ezra: did you imagine we'd be where we are today when we were that age? we had so much wisdom back then... and our best conversations would happen at 1-4am😂

ezra says:

HAHAHAHAHHAA

nice theory

how u holdin up with acca anyways...u doin okie wif stuff.....now tat ur sunil and g are nt around?

arvin is back thou...jz so u know =)

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

hahaha...sounds like somebody's not been gettin any

yeaaa

dat day he talked to me...

acca sucks

ezra says:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...stayin away is how id prefer 2 put it

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

my life sucks and is interfering with my acca which i intend to pass this sem

ezra says:

the prob here in malacca is everyones related and if i screw girl 'x' then friend 'x' will get pissed because he likes her..and chances for that kinda thing is super high man

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

ahahahahaha

screw la some random mmu girl

confirm nobody will noe

and yea..

u laa

u and ur stupid theory

ezra says:

why sucks la? what else can be wrong..u have more time 2 urself now what

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

i dunno whether its coz i heard the theory from u

or it is true

coz now its like i hilang focus d

ezra says:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA heyyyyyyyyy 'the devil wears prada ' speaks for itself lolz

dun blame it on me ahahaha i din pioneer it lolz

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

heyyy

i tot witholut him around i will have more focus on acca

but nooooo

my attention is so divided now

things that usually don hpp oso will hpp

ezra says:

ur so like my ex...

she said the exact same thing

THEN...she ended up dating my friend..and living happily ever after...erm my chinese friend mind u...who convinced her that now 'race and religion wont be a prob' lolz

like air asia "NOW, everyone can FLY' lolz

'now, we can date in peace'...arghh hahaha im gettin bitter 4 ntg lolz

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

i don und..ur ex was an indian??

ezra says:

HAHAHAHAHA omg...thats some bad karma shit wei..maybe a 'sami' or 'monk' will do you good...go for erm..'cleansing sessions' lolz

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

yealaaa

go n die la u malay boy and ur voodoo shit..

ezra says:v

my ex was chinese

i was the wrong 1

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

so wut is wrong with ur chinese fren datin her?

ezra says:

now shes with the chinese christian guy...perfect coz shes christian herself

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

everything fits into place wut..

wut to do

sometimes the person is not meant to be

like i noe its damn easy n i can just tell ganesh lets get back together he will be more than happy

but i noe he's not the one

ezra says:

yala.......i predict u goin into that form of 'security dependency' soon.....a bf which ur mom would have ntg 2 complain about and one where you wouldnt second guess

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

so what to do...life's like that...MOVE ON

no wei

ezra says:

after takin all the time to think about 'cranky old women dyin wif cats n dogs'

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

i have so much expectations for the next guy i don even think he exists

and i noe i won't 'settle'

if i settle oso jus coz im bored and 'rebounding'

but i definitely wont marry just to settle

ezra says:

HEH

my ex WAS rebounding..and my er ex-friend? HATED me then...but look at them now

goin strong hahahahaha

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

y did he hate u

ezra says:

he found my pics in her laptop...my msg'es in her phone and all la

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

so?

ezra says:

she eventually got rid of them in due time.....

he's the jelous kind....'let go' or 'im leavin'

and she wanted the 'security'

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

she shud have said "door's that way"

ezra says:

but i think its beyond that for them now...i think now its actually 'love' lolz

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

its so funny how 'love' can be perpetuated, whereas we all stupidly want to 'fall in love at first sight'

and everything has to fit

ezra says:

erm...i dunno la.....i think the christian and chinese and 'he could really talk and understand her' part.....she was nt willing to let him go tat easily

and he'll always stand by her no matter wat

he was kinda obssessed wif her

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

good enough for her rite..

but if she din love him..den dats jus sad

if she had to settle and then grow to love him...even worse

ezra says:

now i think its more mutual...and 'love love love' lolz

trust me...u gonna meet this cina guy...who can converse things up 2 your level..then u're gonna say "HEY he'll make a good rebound:" then.....when ure with him 

u'll see how much more easier it is with him now compared to Ganesh...tehn later u'll come and say

EZRAAAAAAAAAAA i actually can feel HURTTTTTTT ....hahahahahaha its just a cheecky theory

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

converse things up to my level in wut way

ezra says:

\she never said "i love u' 2 him...at least on facebook for about a year they were together...it was always on his behalf...but now...from what ive heard..that part of it has changed hahahaha

the thing is...i think she can grow to love him..shes the family kind..and her mom and dad loves him.......then her bros and sis...then her friends...i never believed in 'growing in love' but i guess lookin at howz shes doin...id have to refute against tat tot of mine hahahaha

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

ahahahaa....u don have that prob...ur parents will accept whoever u bring home...

not everyone has that...

besides our own expectationsof the person, they also have to fulfill the expectationso fhte ppl around us

damn sad rite

its like...a one in a million thing only

ezra says:

u need someone who can counter your thoughts and ideas rationally.....like u know.....talk 'talk' with you...not just ze mushyness and love love crap....ur so not that kind haahhahahaaha

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

u wanna kahwin lari, yea u will marry the person u love,...but u will not have that kinda bond u had before with the pl around u

talk 'talk'

wtf

ezra says:

besides our own expectationsof the person, they also have to fulfill the expectationso fhte ppl around us <---i truly understand this 1 now hahahaha

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

damn sad kan..as u grow older...

its like..life's not so beautiful anymore

ezra says:

yeaa.....tat part of life is rather sad...

sigh hahahaha...

wat u doin up so late anyways?

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

doin a bit of work...

hahaha...

just yest oni i suddenly felt i missed ganesh and den i realised u were right

but i looked back

and i realised that i fell outta lve wit him long time ago...

i got bored..but i hung on jus to prove my point

coz i never had any relationship before him that lasted longer than 10 months

i hurt him very badly

but i always tot he knew...

we went into the relationship with this 'no commitments' idea in big flashy letters

ezra says:

hahahaha.....yea...

poor boy wei...

i think i kinda know how he feels

hahahahaha

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

wtfff....im not that evil ok!!

u ppl oni have this big macho front u put on with the "im a cool kinda guy who isn ready for commitments yet"

and so we play along wit ur game

and then u get hurt

and then ublame us

bloody hell...

ezra says:

eh hello...ive always beent he commitment kind okie hahahaha

i dont belong to the group satans mistress...i belong to the heartbreak hotel group lolz

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

satans mistress as in sandra bullock in the proposal type laaa

bukan lain lain ok...

i dunno bout u la...

but i noe 2 yrs after bein wit ganesh

we had this talk and den it was like he still din have any commitment...

so yeaa

not my fault rite

i double checked already

and you don have to wait for so long for me to come and tell you "Ezraaa you are right" again

you are...

now i realised why i keep gettin bored so fast

i don have anyth to talk to this ppl...its like...

damn frustratin tryin to explain sth to them...

bout the "I can actually feel hurt" part i don und...

hahahaha

ezra says:

hahahahahaha

oh that part i meant like erm

like if u fight or argue till it gets near 2 the point of break up with this new cina guy which u really like...den u'll feel the hurtest...more hurt than u ever hav before hehe

anyways its jz a theory hehe

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

nahhh

been there done that...

wtf..u think im a heartless bitch la now...clk!!

if only i wass...

ezra says:

aiya chill la

its like a cycle

it will come back 2 you....as corny as it sounds 'love will find a way;

hahahahahaha

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

you're one to talk..

go find a nice malay girl who wears tudung and get hitched then...

ezra says:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA

i will NEVER

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

y not??

ezra says:

sigh...if i did

it would probably last....DEI U MAD ARRR?

i cant even relate to that kind

let alone have a conversation

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

ehh..u never noe k...

ezra says:

'malam ni pergi masjid ahhh bang'

ballz!

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

there are nice malay girsl whoo aren the gedik gedik type

ezra says:

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

ahahaha

i can jus imagine la

ezra says:

gedik gedik sialz

cannot la

i havent met any yet

mixed got la

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

den ezra will pakai songkok and sarung and go to masjid

the mixed ones are too wild...

totally no control gila

ezra says:

true also...too wild they are..

im in love with sarah chapman at the moment lolz

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

ahahaha....no wonder u askin bout wetdreams

so u've been having sweet dreams lately huh

hahaha

ezra says:

she's just some random 'recharge mc'.....nt that hot...but like how russel peters would put it...shes erm 'mind boggling' ...or erm 'mind blasting' hhahaha

erm calm dreams la

nothing dramatic in my life for a longgg longgg while hahahaha

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

ehh...recharge sitll alive ker??

i tot died oredi...

ezra says:

got got

pretty smale scale

but still around hahaha

anyways wei...i gtg

headin home from the cc now

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

lolzz

nitezzz

ezra says:

shall chat up with you soon kz

take care....hmmm let erm...good music keep u company lolz

hugz..nitez

Ec|nAj~w0mAn oF mAsS d|stRaCt|0n says:

very funny

tc

nitez

Joy

Every move a dancer takes,
Every key a pianist hits,
Every plunge a diver takes,
Every letter a writer types,
Every note a singer belts,
Every preacher's word,
Every beat of the drum,
Every photo shot,
Every cellist's bow,
Every hymn sung,
Every stitch sewn,
Every breath.

What do all these people have in common?
Passion.
Joy in what they do.

I've been into Peter Bence's videos recently.

The joy on his face,
The passion that radiates throughout his body,
You can feel it even from off the screen.

When you do something you love,
There is a difference,
To yourself,
To others.

It varies from person to person,
But we all have something called an EQ,
And that is what makes you want to sing when your favourite song is playing on the radio,
What makes you shake when your favourite tune is heard,
What makes you smile when you see someone else's joy.

And when you don't have that joy radiating through your body,
People just know it.
They see through your facade.

They may not be able to tell from your face,
From your words,
But there will be something that tells them something is amiss.

I've not been happy for quite some time.
I've lost my joy.
I've lost my passion.
And recently, I lost my love.

I see these people on youtube and I wonder,
Why can't I be like them?
There must be something I do to have that joy radiating within me.

They say do what you love, and the money will follow.
I think that is the exception, not the rule.

Most people will either be happy contented with their daily jobs,
They earn money that will support their needs and wants,
But are they achieving their potential?
Maybe, if your purpose is to provide and that makes you happy.

In today's world,
A world where most content is free,
Stars are born from youtube and not talent hunters,
Writers are born from bloggers,
Starbucks is no longer the standard for coffee,
Anything is possible.
But I also still see fate playing a hand in most of this.

You can be the best, but if you are undiscovered,
You remain a potential,
A what-if.

So what can you do?
Put yourself out there as much as possible.
Just keep trying.
If you're doing this out of passion,
You will not burn out,
You will not lose interest,
You will keep going because you love it,
Because that is what puts a smile on your face,
The joy that radiates through your body,
The joy that you cannot keep within your body will combust and shine for the world to see.

I am an idealist.
A big one.
My head is forever in the clouds,
There is nothing that can ground me,
Well, I was (more than) grounded for 6 years,
I was contented but I was not happy.
There was no joy radiating,
Just an engine running.

And that is why,
I want to be the exception and not the rule.

Thinking back of all the things I am good at,
And I'm going to try them all,
Until I get one that hits,
Or maybe all,

Writer
From a young age, people have told me that I have a gift with words (on paper, not so much verbally). I have "potential". Through the years, I slowly forgot this talent, only putting it to use when I need to craft emails, but even then, it was not out of passion. And this is my forum to get it back again. I don't think I've lost it, because a very senior person read something I wrote 2 years back and still thought that it was exceptional.

That's the other thing I figured,
If it is your true calling,
Your purpose,
Your passion,
It will not feel forced.
Just like how I'm typing this out.
The words and ideas are just flowing.
I can't stop them,
In fact there are so many I can't keep track of all of them!!!

Pioneer
I was always the pioneer amongst my peers, whether it was going to a certain college, doing things a certain way, trying something new, I was always at the forefront. And I always loved being the first. I'm not afraid to try, to venture into the unknown, in fact I LOVE it. I don't know what I'm supposed to pioneer in, but I know that it's something I should also pursue.

Fashion
People are always drawn to my clothes, my sense of style. Something that I would also want to try to monetize. I don't think I'm like the next Vera Wang, or Alexander McQueen, but again, this is the internet world. Who knows where this might lead.

As cheesy as it may sound, while all my friends are settling down and raising a family, I feel like this is the prime time for me to chase my dreams and build my career, whatever it may be. Something has to give, and that would be family. I think there will be a time where I will prioritise family, but maybe not now.

For now, I just want to find the reason for my every breath.

Everyone is at the prime of their lives

Getting married and starting their lives,

While mine is ending.

Broken

For the longest time, I lost my voice.

I thought I was Ariel, trading her voice in exchange for happiness.

I thought I didn't need it anymore.

I thought I found happiness.

I thought I found forever.

Although there were doubts why my forever wasn't how I expected

You didn't fit the bill;

You didn't fit in my dreams, my plans, my ambitions.

And then I fell.

I fell hard.

During my times of need, it seemed like you were the only one I had.

You heard my screams, you heard my cries.

You heard my anguish, you heard my torments.

And because of that, I made you my anchor.

And you were my anchor indeed;

You weighed me down, you held me back.

I tried to reach for the stars, only to fall down back on the ground again.

I couldn't be free, I couldn't be me.

You told me that everything I am was wrong; that I shouldn't be me.

Along with everyone else who tried to make me someone else. 

Slowly but surely, I lost myself.

I didn't only lose my voice, I lost my identity.

For the longest time, I let myself believe you were my karma, my parents' karma.

I let you make me feel like you were all I deserved;

I settled.

I became complacent; I became part of a world I didn't belong but accepted me.

The reason why I never saw forever with you is because you were not my forever.

The reason why I never saw a future with you is because there is no future.

The reason why I could never plan my ambitions around you is because you weren't part of the plan.

This is not the story of my depression, although it has made me depressed again.

This is the story of how I wasted 6 years of my life, practically all of my adulthood.

I became an adult with you, I learnt how to be an adult from you.

My concept of right and wrong were blurred.

You brought out the darkest side in me; and you told me it was okay.

And then all of a sudden you're gone.

You turned around and told me that everything was a lie.

Everything I learnt to believe was made up.

Everything I held on to was not real.

Suddenly now without an anchor, I feel lost.

I'm floating.

My wings have not been used for so long I've lost my sense of coordination.

I'm colliding into everything.

I feel like I'm crashing but I'm trying my best not to hit rock bottom.

Because if I do, there is no one there to catch me anymore.

Its time I learnt how to fly again.

Its time I learnt how to soar.

Its time I learnt how to be my own person.

Its time I found myself.

There is no doubt that I feel hurt.

No doubt there is an emptiness I'm trying to fill.

No doubt there are tears that I'm trying to hold back.

No doubt there is anger I'm trying to hide.

But I will save that for another day.

For when I am strong enough to face it.

For now, I will just #be.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPC2Fp7IT7o

Trying to forget but not forget

You hurt me

That is a fact

I can never understand why you did what you did

You beg me to not involve your kids

Why should I listen?

They are innocent

So am I

You ruined my life

Why shouldn't I ruin yours

There are normal days when i feel meh

And then there are days when i feel down for no apparent reason. Most of my struggles are work related. What does one do with one's destiny when one was not made for the corporate culture? Part of me wants to leave and live the free soul life that I am; part of me is holding on to the career I've so (literally) painfully built, even though it feels like it's all gone crumbling down and I'm now stuck in a pile of rubble. Like cocaine; I know it's bad for me and yet I'm addicted to it.