I thought I was Ariel, trading her voice in exchange for happiness.
I thought I didn't need it anymore.
I thought I found happiness.
I thought I found forever.
Although there were doubts why my forever wasn't how I expected
You didn't fit the bill;
You didn't fit in my dreams, my plans, my ambitions.
And then I fell.
I fell hard.
During my times of need, it seemed like you were the only one I had.
You heard my screams, you heard my cries.
You heard my anguish, you heard my torments.
And because of that, I made you my anchor.
And you were my anchor indeed;
You weighed me down, you held me back.
I tried to reach for the stars, only to fall down back on the ground again.
I couldn't be free, I couldn't be me.
You told me that everything I am was wrong; that I shouldn't be me.
Along with everyone else who tried to make me someone else.
Slowly but surely, I lost myself.
I didn't only lose my voice, I lost my identity.
For the longest time, I let myself believe you were my karma, my parents' karma.
I let you make me feel like you were all I deserved;
I settled.
I became complacent; I became part of a world I didn't belong but accepted me.
The reason why I never saw forever with you is because you were not my forever.
The reason why I never saw a future with you is because there is no future.
The reason why I could never plan my ambitions around you is because you weren't part of the plan.
This is not the story of my depression, although it has made me depressed again.
This is the story of how I wasted 6 years of my life, practically all of my adulthood.
I became an adult with you, I learnt how to be an adult from you.
My concept of right and wrong were blurred.
You brought out the darkest side in me; and you told me it was okay.
And then all of a sudden you're gone.
You turned around and told me that everything was a lie.
Everything I learnt to believe was made up.
Everything I held on to was not real.
Suddenly now without an anchor, I feel lost.
I'm floating.
My wings have not been used for so long I've lost my sense of coordination.
I'm colliding into everything.
I feel like I'm crashing but I'm trying my best not to hit rock bottom.
Because if I do, there is no one there to catch me anymore.
Its time I learnt how to fly again.
Its time I learnt how to soar.
Its time I learnt how to be my own person.
Its time I found myself.
There is no doubt that I feel hurt.
No doubt there is an emptiness I'm trying to fill.
No doubt there are tears that I'm trying to hold back.
No doubt there is anger I'm trying to hide.
But I will save that for another day.
For when I am strong enough to face it.
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